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1st March 2010

1:40am: austin nation
so basically haven't written in the LONGEST time.
no longer with jared, dating a guy named brandon. hes pretty sweet and he definitely treats me well. we have been dating almost a year, it will be in april.

i know i only write when something is wrong or i feel an overload well right now is a little bit of both. my relationships going well but im having this like long streak of bad luck. i went outta town got crazy crazy lost, almost got killed like a billion times, smoked myself stupid, got all my shit lost or stolen, listened to stupid horny teenage boys on sixth street moan about getting "pussy", getting lost in ireland, getting yelled at work, and having to work late on sunday. it just keeps getting worse and worse. lame lame lameeee i hate losing/being stolen from the most. i only buy nice things for myself rarely and i wanted the shirt i bought for soooo long and i was finally able to afford it and then it fucking gets stolen. bull fucking shit.

5th March 2009

12:41am: i will never
understand what I was thinking about dating jared. He wasnt my type and I was too desperate to notice it. It is rather odd though that I havent even felt my heart beat since the day he left me. Either my heart was broken or it just missed him to much to beat for anyone else. I've forgotten what he looks, isn't that weird? I mean how can you think your utterly and totally inlove with someone and not even remember what they look like. I wish my heart could fully mend but I am not really sure that it ever will. I mean I'm talking with this guy Jake but I'm already feeling like im annoying him and just being a bothersome part of his life and I dont even know if I could ever fall for anyone again after jared. He really did take my heart with him, but the main thing is he never should have had it in the first place. That was my one big OOPS in life right there. It's odd how you can make those big OOPS in life and they only really affect you, not so much your friends or people that surround you. I hope to GOD that one day I can wake up and be inlove again. Utterly and hopelessly inlove and I hope that when I am, that I'm not the only one feeling that way. I dont see it happening anytime soon and thats okay with me, but I hope one day that I find the guy that gives me butterflies all the time and that makes me lose every bruise and resistence to feeling that I have. I want to feel whole again, I want it more than anything. I envy people who feel it.

6th January 2008

5:03am: Things are....
getting way better.

it seems as if hes trying alot harder to make things work, or
maybe im just taking things less serious.

either way things seem to be working out.

like we've hung out since friday and im having sooo much fun!

theres only one thing thats bothering me
and its him texting this girl haley.

shes from myspace and has a crush on him.
shes always like omg i wish you were here and bullshit
i basically wanna kick her ass

but im not mad at him for it,
it just really pisses me off.

stupid bitches do that tho.

like today we went to see missed call
and these like 14 yr old girls would NOT freakin shut up.

if i wasnt 20 i would have kicked their asses. no joke.

on another note,
i keep having nightmares about my ex stephan.
he really fucked up my life
and i cant get it out of my head
but whats crazy was it was a year ago.
so its not even recent.
idk. it just sucks.
i wish i could take everything having to do with him

the pain, the ruined grades, the heartache, the bad experiences,
and my virginity.

but alas he stole everything.
and i mean everything.

sometimes i end up thinking that every boys like him
but then i realize
that NO one can be that pathetic,
besides him of course.

tys my bestie <3
Current Mood: tired

1st January 2008

10:12pm: i hate caring
basically im tired of caring about people.
im tired of having feelings that can be thrown away like they are absolutely nothing.
it seems as though whenever i need someone or want something
that its not important. it just gets shafted to the side
and out of everyones way
and i end up feeling more like a problem than an important part of their lives.

i really love my boyfriend jared. like theres no competition out there for him. its just sometimes i wish hed pay more attention to me
and not just expect me to be okay with everything he does even if it hurts me.
and anytime i get upset he just rolls his eyes at me and acts like im just a waste of time. i wish hed open up to me and give me his whole heart. i duno he made this remark the other day when i mentioned the attention thing,

"we have the rest of our lives ally"

well idk about that. like if someone starts to lose me now,
they cant ever get me back.
im 100% sure that i would not date any of my exs.
nor do i feel anything for them.
and dont get me wrong im inlove with jared,
but i dont ever want there to be a moment where im doubting that fact.

i mean i live like theres no tomorrow
but it seems like hes living like why worry about today
when we have tomorrow?

it just really sucks.

heres the description of my pefect boy:

he will tell me how he feels about me at all the right moments.
he will hold me when i start to cry and tell me that everything will be okay.
when i get sick he will take care of me.
and i will be his top priority when hes with me or when im with him.
especially if we only get a small amount of time together.
he will leave me cute texts, voicemails, messages, or comments
just to let me know he cares.
he will kiss my forehead and cheeks then whisper that he loves me.
he will take me out to a nice restaurant once in a long while
and sit me down and stare into my eyes and let me know im the only girl for
he wont need anything like porn or masturbation or threesomes
because ill be the only one he wants to make love to and share
those moments with.
and MOST IMPORTANTLY, he wont have to read this list to know to do these things, i wont have to tell him, nor ask him. he will just show me he loves me every second im with him and treasure the smile that graces my lips as he does so.

jared does almost all of those things
but when he doesnt
i dont feel like im good enough.
and lately its been driving me insane.
i dont know how i can be better.
but i better think fast.
Current Mood: crushed

18th September 2007

11:32am: 203
Sitting around at the 203.
Things in life are going pretty well.

yesturday i was outside stanging by a tree
and i started to think about life.

they were epic indescribable thoughts too.

sadly i dont remember any of them.

cest la vie
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