yousadollface (xlost_alibisx) wrote,

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i hate caring

basically im tired of caring about people.
im tired of having feelings that can be thrown away like they are absolutely nothing.
it seems as though whenever i need someone or want something
that its not important. it just gets shafted to the side
and out of everyones way
and i end up feeling more like a problem than an important part of their lives.

i really love my boyfriend jared. like theres no competition out there for him. its just sometimes i wish hed pay more attention to me
and not just expect me to be okay with everything he does even if it hurts me.
and anytime i get upset he just rolls his eyes at me and acts like im just a waste of time. i wish hed open up to me and give me his whole heart. i duno he made this remark the other day when i mentioned the attention thing,

"we have the rest of our lives ally"

well idk about that. like if someone starts to lose me now,
they cant ever get me back.
im 100% sure that i would not date any of my exs.
nor do i feel anything for them.
and dont get me wrong im inlove with jared,
but i dont ever want there to be a moment where im doubting that fact.

i mean i live like theres no tomorrow
but it seems like hes living like why worry about today
when we have tomorrow?

it just really sucks.

heres the description of my pefect boy:

he will tell me how he feels about me at all the right moments.
he will hold me when i start to cry and tell me that everything will be okay.
when i get sick he will take care of me.
and i will be his top priority when hes with me or when im with him.
especially if we only get a small amount of time together.
he will leave me cute texts, voicemails, messages, or comments
just to let me know he cares.
he will kiss my forehead and cheeks then whisper that he loves me.
he will take me out to a nice restaurant once in a long while
and sit me down and stare into my eyes and let me know im the only girl for
he wont need anything like porn or masturbation or threesomes
because ill be the only one he wants to make love to and share
those moments with.
and MOST IMPORTANTLY, he wont have to read this list to know to do these things, i wont have to tell him, nor ask him. he will just show me he loves me every second im with him and treasure the smile that graces my lips as he does so.

jared does almost all of those things
but when he doesnt
i dont feel like im good enough.
and lately its been driving me insane.
i dont know how i can be better.
but i better think fast.
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